If Hillary wins, I'm in for a rough four years.

Hillary is neck and neck with Obama for the Democratic nomination for 2008. If Hillary goes on to win the US Presidency, I will be miserable. Not miserable due to Hillary's Presidency, mind you, but due to the reaction of my conservative kinfolk to Hillary's Presidency. To me, the Clintons come across as booksmart elitist appearancers* and closet frogfacers**. The problem however, is that to my conservative kinfolk, Bill and Hillary Clinton are, to put it delicately, Satan and the Beast. I think that this sulphurous vision of the Clintons predates Bill's Presidency, as I distinctly remember his first day in office, way back in 1991. I was at work, and a rotund man who had been giving unsolicited right wing political commentary for months came in the front door and with his neck veins popping announced:

[Loud, stressed, George Costanza Voice] "I'm Tellin You! Day One! America Under Siege!"

Then he dramatically turned on his heels and walked out of the door. I was thinking about it, there must have been seeds of this Satan and the Beast vision of the Clintons way back in the early nineties, which have now grown into today's Conservative's dark vision of the dastardly duo. I have had my relatives explain to me in condescending tones that Hillary has boats waiting offshore loaded with microchips to implant into every American Citizen, in order to monitor our whereabouts at every moment. When I hemmed and hawed at accepting this dark truth, the relative burst into a tearful rage, yelling at me, shouting that I:

"...was blind to the future planned by the Democratic Party, a future that involved rounding up all American Christians, and then killing them, look, they already have the Ten Commandments out of schools, blah blah blah".

Needless to say, this account of evil Democrats did not scare me in the slightest, but made me doubt the future of the Republican base. What are they telling these poor folks about the opposition? If the right has stooped this low, who will stand up to the left as a conservative voice of logic and reason? Rush Limbaugh? That's like putting Michael Moore in charge of a left leaning thinktank. The results would be entertaining, but in the end, utterly useless.

Now here I sit, faced with the nerve wracking possibility of living for four years in a nation where half of the country believes that the end is just around the corner. My relatives calling to tell me of the latest Hillary scare, longing for the good old days of Bush's term in office. I can see myself spending the next four, or worse, eight years, getting shouted down in public by my relatives for refusing to believe in evidence-less conspiracy theories regarding the impending doom of Western Christendom at the hands of Satan and his wife, the Beast. We as a nation survived the first two Clinton terms, (with a balanced budget) I would dare to bet that The United States of America would survive another Clinton term. My nerves, however, might not.


*Appearancers: Boom to slightly post boom white folks who were born poor and must thus either flaunt a high priced education or a high priced immaculate home to prove to themselves and others that they are not white trash.)

**Frogfacers: Middle aged Americans wearing permanent facial expressions featuring lips that turn down at the corners so that they have a severe frown resembling a frog. Entrenched frogfacers can actually laugh through the frown. Informal statistical oberservations have shown that if a middle aged American female owns a beige Buick that has at least one patriotic sticker on it or a straw hat in the rear window, the said female has a 100% chance of being a frogfacer.