The battle of the accountants

The other day our office received a purchase order from an outside firm, (Widget Devices LLC) addressed to the incorrect department (our former department, The Department of Nothing to Do), and made out to someone who had retired several months ago. Normally this is not a big deal. However, the accountant (Accountant 1) in our new department (The Department of Dirty Looks) has three major professional behavioral flaws:

1. Laziness
2. Nitpicking
3. Turf Protection

My boss and I decided that instead of forwarding the incorrectly addressed purchase order to Accountant 1, we would contact the outside firm ourselves and thus avoid the extreeeeeeemly sloooooow mooooootion traaaaaaaain wreeeeeeck of having Accountant 1 deal with the problem.

And so, I the engineer, contacted the company via Email stating that the address was incorrect on the Purchase Order, and giving the correct address, department name and contact person. An hour later I got a reply from an Accountant at the outside firm (Account 2) with the request for a document (Zed) and the note to read the attached email. The attached Email contained a heated internal corporate discussion between Accountant 2 and her boss (Accountant 2a) about the issue that involved calling me names!

I resisted picking up the phone and calling Accountants 2 and 2a and then 1 and putting them on a conference call and calling them all names. I realized that Accountants 2 and 2a were suffering from the same problems as accountant 1, without 1's half-ounce of dignity and professionalism.

I did what any good employee would and asked my boss what document Zed was and where to get it. He suggested that I ask our old, (and I mean old) accountant (Accountant 3) of the Department of Nothing to Do for a copy. I went to see old 3, and after staring at me angrily with his rheumy eyes, he slowly and creakily started to finger through his files with his liverspotted hands. He found a copy of document Zed, and handed it to me. I examined it and found that it was half a decade old. He had been sending this out of date copy of document Zed to companies since before I started working for the firm. Sensing that it was quite possible that 2 and 2a were worse nitpickers than 1, I decided that sending a copy of Zed so old that I would have to fax the Rosetta stone along to decipher it was probably a bad idea. Old 3 growled that my best bet was to go to the Department of Peace and Prosperity and ask if they had a more recent copy of document Zed.

So, off I trudged, the office of Peace and Prosperity is a half a mile from our building. I know what you are thinking: Call first, you dummy. Aha! I've got you. I always used to call first but if you call first in this organization, you will get a secretary who has all of the failings of Accountant 1, minus the sparkling personality. Inevitably, you get transferred to a voice mail box that is full, without the secretary giving the number of the person that you need to reach. I am convinced that these office workers have phones in empty locked rooms that no one can possibly get to so that they can efficiently transfer all calls requiring actual work to a dead end.

I arrived at the Office of Peace and Prosperity and waved my yellowed copy of document Zed at the front desk secretary, who looked confused and went to get the Accountant of the Office of Peace and Prosperity (Accountant 4). 4 bustled out of the door with more vigor than I have seen in an office worker, and I thought to myself:

"4 might have the answer".

However, 4 proceeded to examine my half-decade old copy of document Zed and then suggested that I (and I quote):

"Go to the Federal United States Government website for the Department of Zed and see if the copy of Zed that you have has been superseded by a newer revision, if so, then this copy is no good".

I snorted audibly, and thanked Accountant 4 and left the Department of Peace and Prosperity. 4 undoubtedly went back to watering the petunias in the office.

On the half mile walk back to my office, I noticed that the copy of Zed that I had appeared to be a fax, and had the faint remainders of the issuing department name on it: "The Department of the Source of All Paperwork". (DSAP) I called DSAP and got secretary 2.

"DSAP, Secretary 2 speaking".

"Could you fax me the latest version of document Zed"? I asked.

"Sure". She replied, easy as pie.

I went downstairs and retrieved the fax, with the spanking new document Zed signed and dated last week. Out of goodwill, I made three copies and gave them to old 3, who actually stopped playing solitaire on his computer long enough to thank me.

I faxed NeoZed to Accountant 2, and 24 hours later, have heard nothing.