To stop a nosebleed

I used to suffer from frequent nosebleeds. I would roll over in bed and the pressure from my pillow would start my nose bleeding. It would take twenty minutes to stop it. I would blow my nose, and it would bleed. It's hard to manage industrial equipment and stop a nosebleed at the same time. Several years ago, centrist CCW insisted that I get my nose checked out. The ENT doctor looked up my nose with a cold metal scope and said:

"Yup, there it is. You have an artery close to the surface on the inside of your nostril, it's got to be the one that causes it".

"What can you do"? I asked.

"I can chemically cauterize it". He said.

"With what Chemical" I replied.

"Silver Nitrate". Was the answer.

"First we numb your nose, and then we put a tiny bit of Silver Nitrate on the vessel. It will sting a bit, and the Novocaine we give you will keep you from feeling much." The Doctor said reassuringly.

And so, I let a nurse at my nose with a cotton swab dipped in Novocaine. The problem was that when the nurse stuck the swab up my nose, all of the Novocaine squeezed out and ran down my upper lip and into my mouth, which was slightly open so that I could breath with the cotton in my nose.

"What should I do"? I asked myself. "Should I spit out the Novocaine, or swallow it? Should I tell the nurse that it's not in my nose?"

In the time it took to think these thoughts, the Novocaine numbed my lips to the point that when I tried to speak it sounded like a quiet mumble, unintelligible. I figured that enough of the Novocaine made it into my nose that I would be OK.

I was wrong.

When the Dr. stuck the pea sized spot of Silver Nitrate into the wall of my nostril it felt at first as if he was putting out a lit cigarette on the inside of my nose. After several seconds it felt like he was TIG welding a boat hitch into my nose, and he had just flunked out of welding school.

My eyes began to water from the pain, tears streamed down my face.

"Im, sorry, does it sting at all"? Asked the Doc.

"mmmmmbbbl aaaabbbbbllll bubbbbb bub" Was all I could manage with my unresponsive lips.

Mercifully, he was finished in less than a minute, but the pain had just begun. I walked out of the office, wiping tears from my eyes. My face felt as if I had stood in front of Babe Ruth and taken a Louisville Slugger to the bridge of my nose.

I got home and my wife took one look at me and asked:

"Are you OK?

"Ummmmb.... By Tink Sooo". I replied, grateful that I could now communicate verbally.

For two days, my nose somehow stayed distended from my face. I understand the inner feelings of Cyrano De Bergerac now.

I have not had a nosebleed since.